Don't Tell Your Mother
by Incidental Vegan Cannibal
Summary: Modern AU oneshot. Ellie is less than thrilled over her mother's second marriage. When a friendly stranger seduces her away from the wedding with flattery and alcohol, Ellie gets way more than she bargained for. During the ensuing legal nightmare, she finds support from the last person she expected: her mother's new husband. Noncon David/Ellie; Ellie plus step-dad!Joel teaming up.


A/N: I was challenged to write the David/Ellie prompt, "Two miserable strangers who meet at a wedding AU." I wanted to do it in a modern/non-apocalyptic AU where Ellie and Riley are teenagers in ~2014, so no, the timeline doesn't make sense. Try not to think too hard about it, or it will hurt your brain. (I speak from experience.)

o0o0o

"Okay, everyone get on up for the Electric Slide!"

"Just fucking shoot me," Ellie mutters into her Sprite.

Someone squeezes her shoulder, and her mother's cloying vanilla perfume fills her nose. "Dance!" Mom hisses into her ear. "I don't ask for a lot from you. Can you just pretend you're happy for me for one day?"

"But I don't even know the Electric Slide!" Ellie protests.

"Dance." Mom hauls her to her feet. "You can't be the only one sitting!"

"Fine!"

Ellie retreats to the far corner, pretending she's a secret agent trapped undercover in enemy territory. She glares at everyone over her Sprite, which she's pretending is some kind of booze. Pretty much everyone has a date. Even perfect Sarah has a date, that hot brunette journalist with perfect arm muscles.

"You look as miserable as I feel," a kind voice says over the music. A tall, skinny guy in his forties raises his glass to Ellie.

"It's this fucking dress." Ellie tugs at the pink bow on her shoulder. "I feel like a Barbie."

"Well, if this were a gossip show, I think you'd definitely win the 'Who wore it better' segment." He sips his drink. "For what it's worth."

Ellie giggles. "Thanks."

"So why is a cute girl like you all alone on the dance floor? I can't believe you couldn't find a date."

"No, I had a date, but yesterday she got 'no exceptions' grounded for fighting at school. Which is bullshit, because she didn't even start the fight, she just finished it. So that's why I'm alone and bored to death. Why don't you have a date?"

"We broke up three days ago. I thought about not coming to the wedding, but Anna used to be a good friend of mine. That, and I already had all the reservations made. I figured, why not catch a plane to a new city and drown my sorrows at the cash bar?"

"Ugh, I so wish I could drink," Ellie grumbles. "I need it more than anyone here. My mom is the one marrying some stupid hick construction worker from Texas."

The man chuckles. "So you're Anna's little girl? I thought I saw the resemblance, but it's been ten years since I last saw you."

"Oh! You were in the Air Force with my mom?"

"David Carver, retired chaplain officer." He offers Ellie his hand. "We met a few times on base, but you probably don't remember me."

"Not really," Ellie admits. "But I don't remember most of my mom's Air Force friends, so don't take it personally."

"Not at all. You were just a little kid. I don't remember anything from before kindergarten."

"So did you ever meet my dad? My real dad?"

"A couple of times. He didn't seem like he enjoyed being a military husband too much, if I remember right."

"Yeah, that sounds about right. He ran off with a librarian when I was in second grade. I don't even know where he lives now. The birthday cards stopped coming when I was ten."

"That's rough."

"Whatever. His loss. I make straight C's and D's and get detention at least once a week for mouthing off to my teachers."

"That's okay. I bet you make up for it in hobbies."

"Yeah, I can kick anyone's ass at video games," Ellie says without enthusiasm. "My mom is so proud."

"What's your favorite game?"

"Halo. The original one."

"Nice, old school. I think that game might have come out before you were born."

"Hey, I haven't been allowed to play any of the new games. My mom read one of those magazine articles about violence in video games, so now I'm not allowed to play anything rated higher than Teen."

"That's a shame. You seem pretty mature for your age. My nephews play Grand Theft Auto, and they're still in elementary school."

"They probably have iPhones, too, don't they?"

"iPhones, iPads, the whole deal."

Ellie groans.

"Kids these days, right?"

"You got that right." Ellie eyes his drink. "So, watcha drinkin'?"

"Vodka and Sprite. You?"

"Just Sprite. Wanna trade?"

David glances around before switching their glasses. Everyone is too busy jumping and laughing to notice.

Ellie's eyes widen as she looks from her new glass to his face. "Seriously?"

"You just said you need it worse than I do."

"But I already drank out of my glass."

"A little spit never hurt anyone."

Ellie almost asks if he knows she's fourteen, but decides she'd rather keep getting booze.

"Toast me?" David holds up his glass.

"Sure. Um... to not being miserable alone?"

David chuckles and clinks his glass against hers. "Cheers."

Ellie gulps down her drink and sets the empty glass on the floor.

"You want another one?"

"Can I?"

David winks at her and hands her back her Sprite. He heads over to the bar, sets down a few bills, and returns with a glass full of more clear liquid.

"Plain old coconut rum," he says. "You look like you could use it."

Ellie coughs a little, and then she chugs the whole thing.

"Thanks," she croaks. "I really did need it."

"Here, chase it with your Sprite."

Ellie is starting to feel warm and a little giddy. "So, can I ask why you and your date split up, or is that too nosy?"

"You'll have to get more drinks in me before I can talk about that," David says.

"Oh, okay."

"In the mean time, you can tell me more about your new step family. I'm guessing you're not a big fan of your new step-dad."

"Got that right. He's kind of a jerk. I don't know what my mom sees in him. And she's only a few years older than his daughter! Gross."

"Grown-up step-sister? That's always fun."

"Eh, she's okay, I guess." Ellie shrugs. "She stook me out for ice cream right after our parents got engaged. And not Dairy Queen ice cream, it was definitely Coldstone. Plus, once I saw how cool my mom was about Sarah being gay, I knew it was safe to come out. So Sarah's okay. It's just _him_ I don't like."

The music stops, and the DJ's voice booms over the speaker. "All right, it's time to send off the bride and groom! Everyone grab your bubbles and get outside to wish these lovebirds a happy honeymoon!"

"Ugh!" Ellie rolls her eyes so hard they hurt. "Gross."

"Do you want to get out of here?" David asks.

"And go where?"

"Anywhere you want. I just don't feel like being alone with my thoughts tonight, and you don't seem like you're having a good time here."

"Pfft, what gave it away?" Ellie steps out of her heels, wincing as her blisters hit the carpet. "Seriously, though, where would we go? Mexico?"

"I was thinking pizza and the least romantic movie currently playing, but Mexico works."

"What about Dave and Buster's?"

"Maybe. It depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you'll cover me in Jurassic Jeep Ride and House of Zombies 4. I'm not such a great shot."

Ellie grins and pulls her jeans on under her skirt. "I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship. Let me just tell my Aunt Marlene I'm not riding back with her."

Everyone has moved outside except the two of them, so Ellie unflips her phone and texts Marlene.

_"Meeting a friend at the mall. Taking the bus. Mom said it was okay."_

_"OK. Call if u need me. Behave."_

_"K."_

Ellie closes her phone and sticks it into her jeans pocket. "Okay, turn around so I can put my shirt on."

He turns and stares at the wall, and Ellie reaches over her shoulders, trying to grab the zipper.

"Just kidding. Can you unzip me?"

He unzips the awful dress, one hand holding the top of the fabric near her shoulders. "You know, if we get caught, I could get in a lot of trouble for this."

"Well, let's not get caught, then."

The dress falls down Ellie's arms. She shoves it the rest of the way off and pulls on her favorite T-shirt. As she's moving her phone to her jeans pocket, it buzzes with a text from Mom.

_"Didn't see u outside. Going 2 have a talk as soon as I'm back. BE GOOD."_

"Ugh, adults are so lame." Ellie sends back a quick _'K.'_ "At the risk of sounding totally immature, what can I do that will piss my mom off more than Dave and Buster's?"

"Hm." David strokes his goatee. "Come back to my hotel, get so drunk you can't see straight, and watch Pay-Per-View until you pass out?"

"Perfect!" Ellie drapes her dress over the back of a chair. "Let's do it."

David is parked across the street from the resort, so luckily they don't bump into anyone who knows them. When David clicks his keys and a shiny black Porsche blinks its lights at them, Ellie almost swoons. She jumps into the car, grazing her head on the door frame.

"Whoa, this is so cool!" Ellie rubs her hands all over the interior. "It totally looks like a spy car! Is this a mid-life crisis purchase?"

David laughs out loud at that. "No, not quite. Just a post-breakup rental car."

"Well, it's cool. Very James Bond."

"It's no Aston Martin, but it's been fun to drive around." He reaches over her to tug her seatbelt across her. "You buckle up now. The police are going to be looking for any excuse to pull us over."

Ellie buckles her seatbelt and tries not to bounce too much, even though she feels like a puppy on its first trip to the dog park.

"I've never done anything like this," she says. "Have you?"

"Smuggle a high-schooler out of a wedding?"

"Don't think of it as smuggling. Think of it as rescuing."

"Either way, it's definitely a first."

They pull into a sketchy-looking parking lot a moment later. When Ellie puts her thumb on the seat belt release button, David takes her hand away.

"You wait here. They don't let kids in liquor stores."

"Aww. Okay."

Ellie plays two rounds of solitaire waiting for him. When he comes out, he's carrying two big paper bags loaded with bottles.

"You having a party?" she teases.

"That's what the cashier asked me," he says. "I didn't know what you liked, so I got some of everything."

"Awesome!"

Ellie can hardly stand the ten minute drive to the hotel. She keeps looking in the back seat, trying to peek into the bags.

"Sit still." David puts his hand on her chin to nudge her back into an upright position. "You're going to make me wreck this fancy car."

"Sorry." Ellie straightens up as he puts the blinker on. "Whoa! This must be the nicest hotel in this crappy city! What do you do for a living?"

"IT Security."

"Like a hacker?"

"Like the opposite of a hacker," David says.

"Oh. Sounds boring."

David winks at her as he pulls his parking card out of his wallet. "It can be a little boring, but you have to take classes to become a hacker so you can protect your system from other hackers."

"Cool!" Ellie imagines David wearing a trenchcoat, Matrix-style green numbers reflecting in a pair of mirror shades. "How did you get from chaplain to anti-hacker, though?"

"I lost my faith and found my calling," David says, pulling into a parking space. "And here we are."

Ellie's heart is beating so fast she feels a little dizzy as she steps onto the mirrored elevator.

"Aw, we look cute together." David nods at their reflection.

"This would make such a cool selfie," Ellie says. "I wish my phone's camera wasn't so shitty."

"You can use mine. Right front pocket."

Ellie pulls out his phone, a fancy Android in one of those drop-proof cases with the slide-out credit card compartments.

"What's the password?"

"Just slide the little camera icon up."

"Oh! Haha, the camera is looking at us already." She stands on her tiptoes to put her face closer to David's. "What pose should we make? Silly face?"

"Serious face," David says. "Secret agent faces."

"Yes!" Ellie grins. "How did you know I'm into secret agents?"

"Lucky guess."

"Okay, serious secret agent faces. We're here to solve crimes and erase memories." She presses her lips together in a stern expression and taps the on-screen button. "Oh man, we look so cool! We should photoshop sunglasses onto our pictures."

"There should be stickers under the editing mode."

"Whoa!" Ellie drags sunglasses onto their faces. "You know, you're pretty cool for a grownup. My mom doesn't know how to do anything with technology except Candy Crush and Farmville."

"Well, technology is kind of my job."

"So would you tell me if you were really a hacker? Especially if you worked for the NSA or the CIA?"

"Oh, definitely," David says. "Unless I were a highly classified agent and had to kill everyone who found out. Then I'd keep it a secret from you."

"Aww, don't tease me like that. My girlfriend and I marathoned Alias on Netflix the first week of summer break, and I've been pretty much obsessed with spies ever since. Spies and Jennifer Garner..."

The elevator dings, and the mirrored doors slide open. Ellie follows David into his hotel room. It looks pretty much untouched, except for the open suitcase and the socks and shirts lying on the bed. Ellie pulls the bottles out of the paper bag while David tidies up the room.

"So, what movies are on Pay-Per-View?" Ellie opens the bottle of Bailey's and drinks straight from the neck. "Anything with Charlize Theron?

"If you want to make your mom mad, you need to aim a little higher," David says. "Why don't we watch something a little more grownup?"

"Like something R-rated?"

"Like something X-rated."

Ellie's face gets hot, but that might be the liquor. "Yeah, sure. Uh, is it cool if we watch some girl-on-girl stuff? Straight porn grosses me out."

"Anything you want. The remote is all yours, as long as you do one little favor for me."

"What's that?"

David grabs two shot glasses out of the bottom of a bag. "Do a shot with me."

Ellie mock-huffs. "If I _have_ to, geez." She holds up the shot glass he just filled. "Okay, full disclosure: I've never done this before. How do I take a shot?"

"Deep breath out, swallow the whole thing, deep breath in. On three?"

Ellie's heart thumps in excitement. "Okay."

"One, two, three!"

Ellie swallows her drink but fucks up the breathing. She coughs and shakes her head. "Woo! Okay, let me try that again. I'm gonna drink these until I don't act like a pussy."

Four shots later, the two of them settle onto the couch, Ellie clutching the Bailey's the way Joel is always holding his beer bottles.

"Do you mind if I take my pants off?" David asks. "I'm wearing boxers."

"Nah, it's cool. My step-dad walks around in boxers all the time."

"Thanks. You feel free to get comfortable however you want, too."

Ellie kicks her shoes off and unbuttons her jeans. David settles in on his side of the table, propping his hairy feet on the coffee table. Ellie follows suit, wiggling her toes.

"What are we watching?" David asks.

Ellie flips through the naughty channels. Some are so stupid or raunchy she's too embarrassed to stop on them. She definitely skips over the ones that say "teen" or "barely legal" in the description; she doesn't want to give him the wrong impression. She finally settles on "Busty Lesbian Threesomes" and glances at David for permission.

"Is this okay?"

"Sure," he says. "You can't go wrong with lesbians."

A few minutes later, they're watching three blonds strip pastel-colored bikinis off of their tanned bodies.

"It seems so fake," Ellie complains, but she's a little wet anyway.

"You should get comfortable before you're too drunk to remember how," David says. "You don't want to pass out in your jeans."

"Good point." She wiggles out of them and unhooks her bra under her shirt. "Pour me another shot."

"I don't know how you're still conscious," David jokes.

"Adrenaline, probably." Ellie settles back on the couch and drinks her shot.

On the TV, two of the girls are working together to lick and finger the third. Ellie squirms.

"I wish my girlfriend was here," she blurts out.

"Me too," David says. "But I won't tell anyone if you want to take care of things yourself."

"I'm good," Ellie says. "That would be weird."

"No, plenty of guys have jerked off in the same room while watching porn. It would just mean you're one of the guys. I know you must have a lot of frustration pent up from that wedding. I won't judge if you want to let off steam."

"I'll think about it," she says.

The alcohol kicks in before she can take him up on the offer. She can't keep her head up anymore, so she rests it on David's shoulder. He rubs her arm.

"You're cute like this," he says. "Like a little kitten too sleepy to hold her head up."

"Shut up!" she laughs, but it's true. "Well, at leas' we got me so drunk I can't ssssee straight. Mission accomplish."

He kisses her cheek. "I've got an idea that would really tick your mom off. Take your shirt off and I'll tell you."

"Why take shirt off?"

"So you don't throw up on it. You don't have anything else to change into."

Ellie peels off her shirt with floppy arms and a lot of help. "Okay, what's the idea?"

"Sweet, sweet payback." He kisses her on the lips, sticking his left hand down her 'Saturday' panties. "Let's do things that would make your mom cry herself to sleep."

"Wait," Ellie slurs, trying to move his hand. "I can't."

"Sure you can. No one's around to stop you."

"But... my girlfriend..."

"She doesn't have to know."

"But... I would. And it's like..." She pouts. "Fuck, I dunno how to say what I'm tryin' to say? Look, you're a... super great guy, and I wish my mom woulda married you instead. But I want... I want you to be my Jack Bristow, you know? I don't want you to be my Vaughn. Fuck Vaughn. Don't be a Vaughn. I hate him."

"Uh huh." David rubs her nipple between his fingers, like he's not even listening to her.

Ellie pushes his hand away. "I'm saying, I came with you because I wanted, like... a dad."

"Let's compromise." He wraps his arms around her and smooches behind her ear. "You take your panties off for me, and I'll call you Agent Ellie. How does that sound? You can even call me 'daddy.'"

He's not actually listening to anything Ellie says, and that scares her. She sits up, wobbly and disoriented.

"Look, just take me home." She feels around for her shirt, but he must have tossed it across the room.

"Take you home? No, Ellie, I can't take you home in your condition. Besides, I don't think I'm good to drive."

"Take me home!" She starts crying. "I made a mistake and I want my mom!"

He laughs at her, pulling her onto his lap. "Come on, I thought you were mature for your age."

"I'm not! I only got my period last year. I just took off a training bra. I laugh at fart jokes, and I still play with Legos and water guns! I'm not mature at all. I wanna go home."

"Shh." He kisses her ear. "You don't need to be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you."

"But I don't want to... to... you know. I don't even like boys that way."

"It's okay. I understand."

"You're not mad?"

"Of course not." He pours more vodka for both of them. "Here, don't cry. Let's do another shot and you'll feel better."

"Okay." She throws back the shot and barely feels the burn. "Thanks. You're really... you're pretty great."

"What can I say? You're pretty special, Ellie. Here, another."

Ellie wakes up to a stomach-turning headache and the smell of bacon. She rolls onto her back, and that's when she realizes she's naked. She pulls the sheets up to her neck, trying to remember how her underwear came off. The memory is missing, jumped over like a scratchy DVD.

"Oh, fuck," she groans, pushing herself up.

"'Morning." David appears beside her with a cup of coffee and a plate of bacon. "I ordered some room service to cure your hangover."

Ellie grabs a piece of bacon. "Why am I naked?"

"You don't remember?"

"No. Tell me."

"You were out of control."

"The last thing I remember is crying because I didn't want to have sex and then doing three shots in a row."

"Yup, and then when I tried to cut you off, you poured Kahlua on yourself and convinced me to drink it out of your belly button."

"I did? Wow. I guess that explains why I'm so sticky. But we didn't... you know. Right? Did we?"

"I guess you changed your mind. I tried to tuck you in to sleep, but you were pretty insistent. You climbed on top of me and practically forced me to."

"Fuck, I don't remember that at all." Ellie presses her fingers into her eyelids, pretending like she has a headache as she tries to hold back the tears. "Are you sure?"

"Oh yeah. I tried to remind you about your girlfriend, but you had your mind made up. I think your exact words were, 'No, fuck Joel! My mom will be sorry she married him!"

"Shit." Ellie grabs a dry pancake. "Riley is going to kill me! I'm such a fuck-up! Where are my clothes? And my phone?"

David helps her recover her shirt, bra, and jeans, but her underwear and phone are nowhere to be found.

"I don't know what you did with your phone," he says. "Sorry."

"It's fine." Ellie pulls her jeans over her naked, sticky ass. "Can I borrow yours?"

"Of course." He unlocks his phone and hands it over to her.

Ellie starts to call Mom, and then she remembers she's supposed to call Aunt Marlene, and then she remembers that she doesn't have anyone's number committed to memory. She stares at the phone screen for a minute, panic building inside her.

"Everything okay?" David asks.

"Yeah, totally," Ellie says. "Is it okay if I check my Facebook?"

"Sure."

She finds Facebook on his phone. To her surprise, her picture pops up with the app. It's the picture of her and Riley at the beach during spring break, both of them wearing their teeny bikinis and hugging and laughing into Mom's camera as the waves splashed over them. Ellie shivers and logs out of his account and into hers. She opens her last private conversation and almost sighs out loud when she sees the little green dot near her best friend's name. She taps as fast as she can on the foreign screen.

_"RILEY. HELP. SOS."_

The app says that Riley has seen the message, but there's no reply for a solid two minutes.

_"Please don't ignore me. I know you're mad, but I really, really need you."_

Ellie's heart jumps when she sees that Riley is typing a reply, but then-

_"Not speaking to you."_

Ellie purses her lips. _"I'm really sorry I didn't cone over last night. Got drunk at the wedding and went to a random older dude's hotel room."_ She bites her lip before adding, _"I think he ducked me after I passed out. Scared. Can you get me?"_

_"What the fuck? Where are you now?"_

_"Still at his hotel. Trapped and really scared. No phone, no money, no underwear. Using his phone to message you. Please cone get me."_

_"Which hotel?"_

Ellie glances around the room for something with a logo on it. _"Marriott."_

_"OK, on my way."_

Ellie taps the letters on the phone as fast as she can.

_"Thank you_  
><em>In really sorry<em>  
><em>I owe you<em>  
><em>Love you"<em>

_"Yeah, you owe me big time. Love you too."_

Ellie gives the phone back to David. "Hey, listen, thanks for letting me run away for a while, but I need to get back."

"No problem. You need a ride?"

"No thanks, my girlfriend is picking me up. Hey, I know you're friends with my mom, but you won't tell her about this, right?"

"Of course not. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble. I'll keep your secret."

"Thanks."

Ellie sits on the bench in front of the concierge desk, freezing every time the elevator dings open, but David is never one of the occupants. A car finally honks, and Ellie jumps up and runs to Riley's beat-up green Taurus.

"Riley!" She hugs her and kisses her cheek. "Oh my god, thank you picking me up."

"Duh. You're my girlfriend. Put your seatbelt on."

Ellie buckles in, and Riley steps on the gas.

"Okay, tell me everything," Riley says. "First, did he use a condom?"

"How the fuck would I know if I don't even remember having sex?! The last thing I remember is telling him I didn't want to have sex and him pouring me more shots."

"Okay, let's assume that's a no, then." Riley throws a cardboard box at Ellie.

"Ow! What is this?"

"The morning after pill. My mom tried to make me take it after the last time I ran away, but obviously I didn't need it."

"I don't have anything to drink."

Riley rolls her eyes and reaches under her seat. She hands Ellie a half-empty bottle of flat soda.

Ellie pops the pill in her mouth. "So on a scale of one to ten, how mad are you?"

"Is ten the maddest?"

Ellie rests her forehead against the window. "Aw, man. I'm really, really sorry."

"I'm mostly mad at him, not you. I'm only mad at you 'cause you did something really stupid without telling me first."

"I didn't think about it," Ellie says. "I mean, I did for a second, but I didn't want you to worry. I thought it would be fine."

"Yeah, because strange men want to get girls drunk in their hotel room to play XBOX."

"I know, I'm dumb." Ellie sulks against the passenger side door. "I just thought since he used to work with my mom-"

"Whoa, whoa. How much older was he? Are we talking, like, college age?"

"Way, way older," Ellie says. "About as old as my mom's new husband, I'm pretty sure."

"Holy shit. This is really, really bad, Ellie."

"I know. My stomach hurts like crazy."

"Maybe we should go to the police."

"No! Riley, I drank enough alcohol to go to jail forever. Besides, if we tell the police, they'll tell my mom, and she's already super pissed at me! She'll take away every privilege I have! Besides, he was just sad and lonely. He said I was the one who jumped him."

"Even if you did, it was still totally illegal. You're in the ninth grade!"

"Yeah, but he would just say I told him I was eighteen," Ellie points out. "He was a nice guy, okay? Stop trying to get him arrested just because you're mad I had sex with him!"

"That's not why I- oh, forget it. I'll just take you home."

When they reach Ellie's house, there are three police cars in the driveway. Her mom is red-eyed, standing in front of her open door. Marlene is a few feet away, talking on her cell phone and waving her left hand as she talks.

"Oh, fuck." Ellie stuffs the second foil-covered pill into her jeans. "I'm so screwed. I shouldn't have told Aunt Marlene that Mom said it was okay. She probably checked. Keep driving!"

"No! They already saw us! I'm not gonna try to outrun the cops. Not the day I get ungrounded, anyway."

"But I smell like booze! What do I tell them?"

"The truth?"

Before Ellie can retort, her mom is throwing open the car door and strangling Ellie with a hug.

"Where the hell have you been?" Mom yells as she kisses Ellie's face. "We've been calling you all night!"

"Sorry, I lost my phone somewhere," Ellie says.

"Again? You have to be more careful! You scared the shit out of us!"

Ellie rolls her eyes. "'Us'? Like Joel gives a fuck."

"Don't give me that attitude." Mom rocks back and forth with Ellie. "We had to cancel our honeymoon to look for you! Oh, geez, you smell like a liquor store. You girls are in so much trouble!"

"Me?!" Riley slams her hand against the steering wheel. "Why am I in trouble?"

"No, Mom, don't yell at Riley. I got drunk last night and woke up in a bad situation, and she picked me up. She was just being a good girlfriend."

"Oh, Jesus." Mom leans on the car for support. "What kind of bad situation?"

Everyone is crowding around the car now: Marlene, Joel, Sarah, Sarah's girlfriend, a half dozen police officers. Ellie squirms.

"It doesn't matter," she says. "It worked out okay."

"That's not good enough," Mom says, standing up straight. "If you don't tell me where you were all night, you're grounded until you're eighteen!"

Ellie throws up her hands. "Fine! I'll tell you. But you're going to freak out."

Riley's phone vibrates a few times. She checks it and gasps loudly enough that Ellie turns away from the crowd.

"What?" she demands.

"Did you log off Facebook on that guy's phone?"

"Fuck! No, I totally didn't. Did he read our conversation?"

"Worse than that. Way, way worse." Riley hands Ellie her phone.

"Oh my god! That fucking asshole!" Ellie's stomach whips up into a frenzy as she scrolls through the pictures. "Please, please tell me he sent these to you in a private message!"

"Yeah, but read what he wrote."

The message is from Ellie's account, but the profile picture has been changed to the selfie Ellie and David took the night before. Ellie's lips tremble as she reads the conversation. She can't even take it all in, just phrases:

_"Hi Riley...I felt so bad about going behind your back... wanted to tell you first... worried she's giving you the wrong impression... painting me as some kind of monster... that hurt, because I only tried to cheer her up... totally her idea... she wanted pictures to send to her mom... not a bad guy, but I have to protect myself... already changed her Facebook password and email... not afraid to post them publicly if she falsely accuses me..."_

"Oh fuck!" Ellie wails. "Fuck!"

"Ellie, what is going on?" Mom demands. "Give me that phone."

"No!" Ellie gives it back to Riley. "Riley isn't your kid, so you can't take her phone."

"If you don't get out of the car this second, I will spank you in front of everyone! Get your butt inside right now. "

With one last glance at Riley, Ellie pushes her way through the crowd and runs inside the house. She locks herself in the shower for forty-five minutes, and then she pulls on sweats and crawls under her blankets. She refuses to come out, even when Joel takes her door off the hinges and Mom removes every single electronic device from her room. She hides under the stuffy blankets until she hears everyone chatter about steak as they pile into the car.

She runs to the computer in the living room, only to find that Mom took the power cord for it. Ellie screams and shoves the ancient monitor off the desk, making a huge crash.

"Holy shit!" Sarah's reporter girlfriend runs down the stairs. "What happened? Are you okay, kiddo?"

"No!" Ellie kicks the desk. "I'm fucked! I need to delete my Facebook before this asshole I had blackout sex with posts a bunch of naked pictures on my timeline, but he stole my phone and changed all my account info, and my mom took the fucking cord with her anyway, because I'm grounded until I turn eighteen!"

"Oh, geez," Tess says. "Ex-boyfriends are the worst, huh?"

"He's not even my boyfriend! He's a really old guy my mom used to work with in the Air Force!"

"Well, you're in luck." Tess sets her laptop on the coffee table. "Not only have I been exactly where you are, but I wrote a big article on it last year. Sit down. I know how to fix this."

Ellie wipes her face and sits down next to Tess. "You've done this before?"

"Yeah. Trust me, no one fucks with an investigative journalist and gets away with it. And that includes fucking with my family."

"I count as family?"

"Well, emotionally, yeah. Not legally yet, at least in this state. Or any state, technically. We're waiting to elope until after Anna and Joel get back. Don't want to steal their thunder. Do we have any more of that ice cream? I'm starving."

Ellie grabs the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and two spoons from the kitchen. When she gets back, Tess is typing frantically on her laptop.

"Why aren't you at dinner, anyway?" Ellie asks.

"I had a story to turn in," Tess says. "That's the official story. Mostly I just needed a break from wearing a bra."

Ellie snorts, and then they sit in silence while Tess works.

"Okay, answer everything it asks you," Tess says, sliding the laptop across the coffee table.

"Are you sure this is gonna work?" Ellie asks. "He changed my email and my password, and he has my phone."

"Yeah, it should work. It'll ask you to match your friends to their names and stuff. Let me know when you're done."

A second later, Ellie throws her fists up. "Yeah! I'm back in!" She quickly changes her email and password and deletes her phone number. "Oh my god." She slumps down on the couch, shaking from adrenaline. "You're my hero, Tess."

"We still need to call the police," Tess says, taking the laptop back. "Especially because you're a minor. Geez, and also because you look completely unconscious in these pictures."

"But what about what he said?" Ellie asks.

Tess scrolls up and is quiet for a minute while she reads. "He's scared. And I bet he's done this before. He's trying to turn your girlfriend against you and scare you into keeping your mouth shut, because he doesn't want to get busted for... uh, let's see. Statutory rape, giving alcohol to a minor, child pornography, and raping someone who's unconscious."

Ellie stabs her spoon into a peak of ice cream. "I'm so dumb. My mom is going to kill me for drinking, much less running off with a strange guy."

"You never know." Tess shrugs. "Moms are overprotective to try to keep kids from getting hurt. If she's anything like my mom, she'll probably say something like, 'Well, let it be a lesson for the future,' or 'I think you've been punished enough.' Parents hate to see their kids in pain."

Ellie sighs. "Do you really think he'll go to jail?"

"If he doesn't, there's no justice in the world. There's enough evidence to put him away for a long time. He'll go to jail."

o0o0o

He doesn't go to jail.

The defense introduces David as a brave chaplain who served in Iraq, a wounded pastor who now protects people through technology. And naturally, Ellie is the troubled teen with the rap sheet and the shitty grades and the absent father. There's no trace of the pictures on David's phone, only in Ellie's Facebook message. There's no DNA evidence to prove anything other than David's story- that a drunk and distraught Ellie stripped naked and climbed on top of him, but he declined her advances. Ellie's counselor testifies that in her professional opinion, Ellie fabricated the whole story for attention.

David gets a fine and a year of probation for supplying alcohol to a minor. Ellie gets a stern warning for transmitting child pornography of herself to another minor over Facebook.

An outraged Tess offers to write a scathing story, bias be damned, but Ellie is too mortified to risk anyone else finding out about it. She takes one look at David's smug face and runs out of the courtroom. Joel doesn't talk much on the drive home. Ellie is surprised he even showed up. Mom talks enough for the three of them.

"What were you even thinking, going to a stranger's hotel room? Getting drunk with him? What the hell did you think was going to happen? What he did was very wrong, but God, Ellie! You might as well have covered yourself in blood and jumped into a shark tank. I taught you better than that."

"I know," Ellie sniffles.

"Well, you wanted to make my life miserable? Good job! This entire marriage has been nothing but police visits and court dates. Oh, and legal fees. I'm working so much I don't even see my family, except when we go to court! I love you, Ellie, but sometimes I wish you were smarter."

"Enough," Joel finally cuts her off. "She knows it was dumb. She's been punished about three times worse than she deserved. You're just makin' things worse. She's learned her lesson."

Apparently the universe disagrees, though, because a police officer marches into Ellie's homeroom a few Fridays later to serve her papers. It's hard to understand the legal jargon, but she reads enough to know that she has to go to court because she's being sued for defamation of character. She hides in the girls' bathroom and falls into hysterics as soon as it's empty.

Riley is taking a Geometry test, Mom is in the OR, Marlene is at a work conference, and Tess and Sarah are both in Europe. Ellie dials the number she saved in her phone mostly so she would know not to answer it.

"Joel, I need you to come check me out of school," she sobs. "Please, please, please come get me."

There's a few seconds of stunned silence, and then a gruff, "I'm on my way."

He doesn't ask any questions on the drive home, which is good, because Ellie hides in her hoodie and cries the whole way. When they pull into the garage, he stops the car but doesn't unlock the doors.

"Why'd I come pick you up?" he asks.

"Because this!" Ellie shoves the summons into his hands. "He's suing me!"

"That son of a bitch." Joel reads the paper. "Talk about pushin' his luck."

"We can't afford more legal fees!" Ellie wails. "You and my mom are still working overtime to pay off the stupid fucking lawyer who couldn't get David put in jail! And what if he wins?"

"We'll figure it out."

"This is all my fault!" Ellie cries. "I was stupid and petty, and now my whole family has to deal with this shit."

"Yeah, you were pretty stupid for goin' to his hotel room, and you were stupid for drinking," Joel says. "But hell, all teenagers are stupid! I had a kid before I graduated high school. When I was fourteen, I was still burning off my eyebrows with bottle rockets. Teenagers are dumb, even the good ones. That was probably why that piece of shit decided to hook up with a teenager instead of a grown woman, the fucker."

It's the most Ellie has ever heard Joel say at once. She hiccups and nods.

"I wish there was something I could do to make it go away," Joel growls.

"You could go Jack Bristow on him until he apologizes and drops the suit."

"What does going 'Jack Bristow' mean?"

"It's pretty much the same as going Jack Bauer on him, but in a more restrained way. And your sole motivation in life has to be protecting your daughter. Which I know I'm not, but-"

Joel hops out of the driver's seat, throws a chainsaw and a nail gun into the bed of the truck, and climbs back in. "Text your mom that we're going camping," he says, slamming his door shut. "Don't worry her about the summons. Tell her we'll be back late tomorrow."

Ellie throws her arms around his neck as he starts the car.

"I'm really glad my mom married you."

He grumbles incoherently, but Ellie knows he's glad, too.


End file.
